I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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