I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize