who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He shit in the fireplace
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
