You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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