I wanna passion pit in your ass
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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