I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
