So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
