recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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