So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
