I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
