Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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