After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
