If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
