We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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