I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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