so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
