lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
