I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The air was thick with penises
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
