I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
