never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Houston, we have a squirter
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
