Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
