He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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