I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize