btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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