Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
