He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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