you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize