Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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