rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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