cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize