Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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