I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
