I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
