I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
