The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
