So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
