This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
