I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
A+ Viking dick
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