DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
