I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
