I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
