My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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