Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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