Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
