We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
