halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well I just put wine in my tea
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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