I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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