even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
