my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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