sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
