Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
