A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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