I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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