I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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