I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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