You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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