i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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