So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize