I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize