so explain again why im purple
no
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
