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I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
