I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
