Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
