just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
